Bad Movie Club: Jawbreaker

I’ve written a lot about bad movies in the past, and talked about them so much in real life that I’ve started referring to some intangible bad movie club they all belong to. (I also have one of these clubs for people I watch bad movies with. I’m a big believer in clubs.) Yet oddly enough, I’ve never started an official bad movie club feature on this blog. That ends today.

Before I get to my inaugural selection, let me clarify: by bad movie club, I’m talking the so-awful-they’re-awesome variety of movies. Not worthless shit like Kids in America. Or Date Movie.

The first member of this prestigious organization is Jawbreaker. I stumbled upon this little gem on TV one night. I had no plans of staying up late, and in fact had a paper to write, but once my roommate explained the premise to me — “these girls accidentally kill their friend with a jawbreaker” — all prior engagements went out the window. What I watched ended up being a version of Heathers, minus the clever dark humor. Jawbreaker tries to be dark, yet it never truly goes off the deep end, which is kind of a requirement for dark comedy. (C’mon guys, even a John Cusack rom-com got it right.) Sure, there’s the jawbreaker bit, but, unlike in Heathers, there’s a much stronger sense of morality and the death was accidental anyway. Also no genius “fuck me gently with a chainsaw” lines.

Still, Jawbreaker does succeed in being hilarious, mainly because of the most fantastic casting a movie of the shitty/spectacular school has ever seen. Right off the bat there’s Dexter’s eternally sweet Rita as a vapid high school girl. But it doesn’t stop there. Next we see Kitty Sanchez as the weird ugly duckling who transforms into the most popular girl in school. Foxy Brown shows up to solve the case, naturally. And to top it all off, Rose McGowan tries to frame Marilyn Manson for the crime. Yes, really.

That, along with the magnificently terrible Carrie/Heathers thing it has going on, makes Jawbreaker a truly great bad movie. Check out the trailer for yourself:

Also, I realize that this is my first Bad Movie Club post, but there are plenty of movies I’ve already referenced in past posts or watched far too long ago to properly write up that deserve membership. So here are the other entries: Commando, Troll 2, The Room, Teen Wolf & Teen Wolf Too, Good Burger, Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter, Runaway, and Showgirls.

5 Questionable Things Made Adorable by Pixar Movies

At this point, Pixar seems synonymous with a chorus of “awww”s. Everything they do is heartwarming, imaginative and makes you long for childhood again. But not everything is as precious as Pixar makes it seem. Take a look at five things in Pixar movies that are a lot less charming in real life.

1. Health Code Violations (as seen in Ratatouille)

In addition to making cookies look extra delicious, animation can turn even repulsive animals into the cutest damn things you’ve ever seen. Sure, if rats looked like Remy, you’d be stoked for a meal prepared by this little chef. But have you ever been in a New York City subway? Real rats are real gross. And letting them anywhere near food you plan to eat is not okay.

2. Giant Blue & Cycloptic Monsters (as seen in Monsters, Inc.)

That repulsive-turned-cute law has a corollary: really freakin’ scary things can look cute under Pixar’s direction, too. Boo must have courage I will never know, because if Mike and Sulley crept into my room at night, my screams would be heard for a minimum 10-block radius.

3. Sexual Harassment (as seen in Finding Nemo)

Stop giggling over Nemo’s pals talking about how they’re going to touch “the butt.” Girls do not appreciate ass grabs from random creepers. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.

4. Insane Old Men (as seen in Up)

Imagine Carl is your grandfather and you get a call from your mom: “Honey, I don’t know how to say this, but Pop-Pop attached thousands of balloons to his house and is currently floating somewhere around South America.” All of sudden Carl got a lot less delightfully whimsical and a lot more begging to be institutionalized.

5. Carnies (as seen in A Bug’s Life)

C’mon, this is common sense. Never trust a carnie. Especially one with wings.

Riding Solo at the Movies

In all my years of movie watching, I’ve never had the guts to go to the movies alone. It’s not that I mind watching DVDs by myself at home — earlier this weekend, my roommate returned home to find me getting emotional over The Verdict when I probably should’ve been out at a bar like a normal college student. (Seriously though, stop ripping my heart out, Paul Newman.) It’s just overcoming that stigma of being the creeper in the movie theater. You know, the possibly pervy person in the back who clearly has no friends and might not have showered recently. No one wants to be that guy, or girl.

But tonight, I was.

Granted, I didn’t attempt this stunt at a real theater. It’s probably still going to be another five years before I’m confident enough to try that out. But it was at a campus screening of Blue Valentine, with peers just as capable of judging. It probably wouldn’t have come to this if it weren’t for the specific movie. See, Blue Valentine is one of those indie dramas that is a) hard to track down in an accessible theater and b) hard to convince friends to see. (“No really guys, let’s go see that bitterly depressing movie about the couple whose marriage is crumbling. Yeah, the one with the sexual coercion and oblivious, adorable little girl whose home life gets shattered. It’ll be a great time!”) I had been trying since December to see this goddamn movie, but given the long list of Oscar contenders I had to watch first, and its awkward release time, it had been a losing battle for me. So even when last minute changes of plans left me without a movie companion tonight, I decided, “Fuck it, I’m going.”

Being a novice, I wasn’t sure how to prepare for the journey. Should I bring a book in case I get there early and am bored? No, that would be too much. But what if people start staring at me? The book would help then. Then again, I’d also look even more freakish hauling a hardcover Ian McEwan book out of my purse in a screening room. Also, what if there are some hardcore hipster lit kids who make fun of my book choice? WHATEVER I’LL BRING THE BOOK.

With that matter settled, I left for the screening. Upon arriving, I decided to grab a snack from the vending machine. Obviously had to go with popcorn. Luckily, the vending machine gods took pity on my sorry state and gave me two bags of popcorn for the price of one. Sweet! I stuffed them both in my purse, continued onto the room, and claimed a seat in the back.

It was only a few minutes before start time, so I decided whipping out the book would be too much of a hassle. Instead, I started on my first bag of popcorn. People filed in, all accompanied by at least one friend, usually more like three. I tried my best not to look desperate. I also began trying to subtly angle my chair so I could see past the girl in front of me (theaters, or any kind of seating really, are so cruel to short people). It garnered some looks. “Dammit!” I thought, “And I’m already on thin ice.” So I stopped and went back to my popcorn. As I went for my second bag, I realized that this extra snack, which seemed like a reward at first, was making me look like way more of a loser eating her feelings. Despite the fact that most of the people there had full meals with them, they also had friends, so I got judged hardcore for my junk food. I couldn’t tell if the faces were leaning towards pity or disgust, but I tried to shove the first empty bag under my purse so new people wandering in would possibly be duped. My personal movie-going experience had just turned into such a production, it might as well have been on the screen before me. I mean, it was becoming just as depressing as I would soon discover Blue Valentine was.

I quickly realized, though, that the pre-show period is the only time it’s awkward to be by yourself. Because once the movie started, eyes were finally removed from my sad popcorn gorging and turned towards the screen. And really, it’s hard to pay any mind to the weirdo with the angled chair, not at all disguised book, and popcorn crumbs on her lap when such dramatic shit is going down. So thank god for Blue Valentine being a so-painful-to-watch-but-just-can’t-look-away film. I mean that in the best way possible.

The Oscars: Could’ve Used More A Garf

It’s been a week since the Oscars and people are still speculating about what exactly went wrong. Was it the odd hosting combo of stoned-as-fuck James Franco and hyperactive Anne Hathaway? The boring fashion? The sheer predictability? Sure, those are all valid theories. But here’s the real reason this year’s Oscar ceremony was not all that noteworthy: it needed more A Garf.

What’s A Garf, you ask? Well first of all, the correct question is who is A Garf. And the answer is only the most dashing, charming, and wonderful young British actor to come along in a while: Andrew Garfield. Best known as Eduardo, the smart and sensitive BFF to Zuckerberg in The Social Network, Garfield has also appeared in Heath Ledger’s last-ever movie, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, and the dystopian drama Never Let Me Go. Oh yeah, and he’s going to be Spider-Man come July 3, 2012.

It’s hard to narrow down A Garf’s greatness to just one quality. There’s his suck-it-Pattinson-this-is-how-it’s-done hair, hilarious photo shoots, perfect (previously mentioned) renditions of The Bed Intruder Song, actual acting talent — really, the list could stretch into a book. But he’s always a welcome sight, and one that should be utilized at every possible moment.

So what exactly the Oscar producers were thinking when they confined A Garf to hanging out behind Nicole Kidman’s head as they announced the Best Actress nominees is beyond me. Seriously, that commodity has to be front and center. Just think about how much better things would have gone. Example: James Franco and Anne Hathaway are slogging through one of their intros, they’re losing the crowd (as usual) and then BAM:

Did you just get distracted from the uncomfortable monotony? Of course you did. And are you suddenly smiling uncontrollably? Well, duh.

But the buzz wears off. They’re back to Documentary Short or some other category that no one actually cares about. You need some eye candy. Maybe some with mutton chops. The telecast immediately cuts to this winner:

So damn good, right? Right. Still, you really need something to push you through the ceremony’s end. Something that will actually get you excited about the Best Picture announcement. A musical number seems like a good idea. But not just any number — a song-and-dance by this pair:

And with that, did what some have been calling the worst Oscars ever suddenly become the BEST Oscars ever? Why yes, it appears so. Academy, the ball’s in your court for 2012.

Oscar Nominations: An Analysis

This morning’s Oscar nominations were, on the whole, pretty predictable. Lots of love for The Social Network, The King’s Speech, The Fighter, and True Grit as well as almost the exact same acting nominations pundits had been predicting for months. We also don’t have another Avatar debacle on our hands this year, meaning the integrity of the Academy isn’t at stake. In fact, there are hardly any stakes at all.

But does that mean I have no opinions? Please. You can bet your sweet ass I have opinions.

Opinions on all 24 categories would be a bit overkill, though, so I’m going to limit myself to the writing and acting categories, as well as Best Picture (duh). Let’s start off with the writing awards…

Writing (Original Screenplay)

Another Year

The Fighter

Inception

The Kids Are All Right

The King’s Speech

Pretty solid category. The sheer scope of Inception mandated its nomination, while The Kids Are All Right pulled off an original, and, for a change, realistic family dramedy that deserved recognition. The King’s Speech managed to be a highly entertaining period piece without heavy reliance on ornate costumes or even any film-favorite monarchs. Can’t pass judgment on Another Year since I haven’t seen it, but I do think Black Swan should’ve gotten The Fighter‘s nomination. The latter may have been drawing from real-life events, but dear lord did it feel like every gritty boxing movie ever made. Black Swan, on the other hand, expertly weaved Swan Lake into its tense story.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)

127 Hours

The Social Network

Toy Story 3

True Grit

Winter’s Bone

Probably the biggest (and it’s still relatively mild) surprise came from the resurgence of Winter’s Bone, which nabbed four nods. I’m not disputing all of its nominations — as you’ll see below — but I do think the story was a little too slow-paced. I found my pet cause The Ghost Writer to be the more gripping neo-noir and way more deserving of screenplay recognition. All the other movies here are all right (ha, see what I did there?) with me.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role

Christian Bale, The Fighter

John Hawkes, Winter’s Bone

Jeremy Renner, The Town

Mark Ruffalo, The Kids Are All Right

Geoffrey Rush, The King’s Speech

John Hawkes is a pleasant surprise — he’s one of the best parts of Winter’s Bone. Geoffrey Rush is also a good choice, as is current frontrunner (and rightly so) Christian Bale. Mark Ruffalo was fine, though by no means the movie’s standout, while Jeremy Renner did an alright job playing Tommy DeVito in a just alright movie. But Academy, where in God’s name is Andrew Garfield?! He should have merited a nomination on this alone.

Best Actress in a Supporting Role

Amy Adams, The Fighter

Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech

Melissa Leo, The Fighter

Hailee Steinfeld, True Grit

Jacki Weaver, Animal Kingdom

Happy Hailee Steinfeld nudged her way in there, haven’t seen Animal Kingdom, and if Melissa Leo doesn’t win, I won’t know what to believe anymore.

Best Actor in a Leading Role

Javier Bardem, Bitiful

Jeff Bridges, True Grit

Jesse Eisenberg, The Social Network

Colin Firth, The King’s Speech

James Franco, 127 Hours

Colin Firth is going to take this (which I’m more than happy about) so everyone else better get used to just being nominees. But wasn’t expecting Javier Bardem to oust Ryan Gosling and Robert Duvall from this category. Maybe it’s due to one of his most recent accolades: induction into Conan O’Brien’s Oscar Winner F-Bomb Hall of Fame.

Best Actress in a Leading Role

Annette Bening, The Kids Are All Right

Nicole Kidman, Rabbit Hole

Jennifer Lawrence, Winter’s Bone

Natalie Portman, Black Swan

Michelle Williams, Blue Valentine

Okay, haven’t seen Blue Valentine or Rabbit Hole, but as far as I’m concerned, Annette Bening and Natalie Portman are the only nominees that matter. Jennifer Lawrence was good, too, but the girl’s 20 years old. She has time. Time to watch Natalie Portman walk across the stage and accept her Oscar. (Still love you, though, Annette.)

Best Picture

Black Swan

The Fighter

Inception

The Kids Are All Right

The King’s Speech

127 Hours

The Social Network

Toy Story 3

True Grit

Winter’s Bone

No one in this category is entirely undeserving; some are just better than others. Black Swan should be number one, but it already seems a given that The Social Network will win it. Again, this isn’t another Avatar-Hurt Locker race, so there’s no reason to hate. The Social Network is definitely in the top tier. That tier also includes Black Swan, The Kids Are All Right, The King’s Speech, and Toy Story 3. Inception is right on the cusp, while 127 Hours, True Grit, and Winter’s Bone are in the lower tier (again, doesn’t make them bad). Really, though, The Fighter is carried by its acting; Best Picture is a stretch. Should have been The Ghost Writer instead. (Attention Hollywood: Roman Polanski may be a disgusting motherfucker, but he makes good movies. I don’t see you giving creeptastic Woody Allen a hard time.) Whatever. Unlike Marky Mark, The Fighter doesn’t stand a chance in hell.

Shocks, snubs, or just general reactions? Leave ‘em in the comments. (Also, for the full list of nominations, click here.)